The Weirdest Phobias

We all have fears don’t we? But there is no shame in that, as long as we make sure it doesn’t take over the normal functioning of our daily lives. If we are aware of our fears, but don’t let it control us, we can manage it. Here are a list of my fears, experiences and ways in which I deal with it:

Parcopresi - Fear of pooing in public:

I just don’t like it. Yes I know everyone poos, even the Queen and Beyonce, but this still doesn't reassure me. I would rather hold it in, and have health issues later on, than poo in public. I always have ‘poo envy’ when people freely let it go in public and don’t even think twice about it. I used to have a colleague like this who was a pooping machine, and needless to say, I gifted her a VIPoo spray.

Dentophobia - Fear of the dentist:

To be honest, I don’t know anyone that enjoys visiting the dentist per se but I am terrified. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a drama queen or start ripping my hair out in the dentist’s chair but I often leave looking extremely pale. The worst is when you’re in the waiting room, and you can smell dental chemicals, hear the drilling sounds and then think of 100 ways in which the procedure could go wrong. I try to deal with it by doing lots of deep breathing exercises and when the dentist is prodding around in my mouth, I go to my ‘happy place’ and dig my finger nails into the palm of my hands.

Trypanophobia - Fear of injections:

This is a very real fear for me as I hate injections. The thought of the needle piercing my skin, and other’s skin just makes me shiver. This is the reason it took me until the age of 13 to get my ears pierced for the first time. My fear of needles is to such an extent, I once stupidly watched my husband getting a tattoo and didn’t feel well for the rest of the day (which then ended in me vomiting at night). In order to deal with it, I do the same breathing exercises and just pinch my skin somewhere else so that the pain takes away from the sensation of the needle. An easier solution is never to watch someone get a tattoo again.

Arachnophobia - Fear of spiders:

I know this is a very common fear but I hate spiders. I don’t discriminate; small or large and I will still feel equally repulsed. When I see a spider, it literally makes me shudder as I feel like its crawling all over my body. Of course it’s not but it’s obviously psychological. Once I saw a spider that was the size of Ireland, hairy as they can be and so fast; literally the worst combination. It kept tormenting me by whizzing from underneath my wardrobe to underneath the bed, then back again. The final straw was when it decided to take a hike up my wall, right next to my bed and that’s when I thought fuck it, I don’t need to take this shit from Bertie, so I took my pillow and slept in the guest bedroom for two nights. I think my dog may have killed it, so she got extra treats that day. My way of managing this fear is normally to squash it dead. I don’t care if this upsets animal rights crazy people. If you come into my home as an intruder (spiders are included in that list), I have a right to end your life.

Aquaphobia - Fear of drowning:

I cannot swim and sometimes feel like it’s a disability. When conversation drifts into talk about holidays, the pool or swimming in general and I tell people I can’t swim, they always have to echo it back to me like I’m deaf “You can’t swim!???!!!” No, I cannot. I’m that girl who will hold onto the metal banisters in the swimming pool, and give a dirty look to anyone in my way (ie. leaning on it whilst having a conversation about life) and manoeuvre myself all the way around the pool in this stylish fashion. I could try to swim, but I would literally look like I am drowning with my legs and arms flailing all over the place. Even worse, if I use rubber arm bands to keep me afloat I would look like a baby whale, so what’s the point of looking like a dick! This fear also occurs when I’m walking across a bridge and can see water below, that literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. The solution for this is to not go near bridges over water and not go swimming. Simple!

Nyctophobia - Fear of the dark:

Yes I know I’m not 5 years old but I still feel a little fearful of the dark. Obviously it doesn’t help when I watch violent crime thrillers just before bedtime. One time I watched an episode of Luther, where a serial killer hides under the victim’s bed before killing her. After this, I made my husband check underneath the bed and refused to let him go downstairs to grab a drink as I was that terrified. I also feel apprehensive when I’m walking home alone and it is dark, this just instinctively makes the hairs on my neck stand up because as a woman, you are naturally more vulnerable when walking alone in the dark. I try to stick to well lit places, and if I’m travelling alone, I prefer to Uber it home than use public transport ation. The boogeyman is very real!

Nomophobia - Fear of being without my phone:

Okay this is a lame one, I get it. These days I have gotten so used to having my mobile phone permanently attached to my hand and if I’m without, it doesn’t feel right. On a few occasions, I thought I had left my phone at home and literally felt panic rising. It’s the case of the “what ifs”… For example, I will take my phone with me to the toilet, because I think ‘what if I get locked in’ or ‘what if I slip and need to call the ambulance’. Ridiculous I know, I am a weird woman. I also have a need to check my phone first thing in the morning and last thing at night which isn’t healthy. I’ve often dropped my phone on my head when falling asleep, almost giving myself a concussion.

Weird Phobias

Some people are afraid of oranges. Yes, those round cute citrus fruits. I once watched a programme which challenged people on their fears and a poor woman had to be put into a glass room full of oranges, whilst the studio audience and nation were watching her. Yes, it could have been acting, but honestly the fear that she displayed, if that was fake, she deserves a fucking Oscar.

This led me to research other bizarre phobias which I want to share with you but I thought I’d add another dimension to it by asking my husband what he thought the phobia’s meant which produced some interesting responses:

Arachibutyphobia (I pronounced it araki-buti-phobia)

What he guessed: “Fear of Iraqi women”

What it really means - Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth

Sesquipedalophobia (I pronounced it ses-quipped-allo-phobia)

What he guessed: “Fear of Nesquik"

What it really means - Fear of long words

Ablutophobia (I pronounced it ah-blue-toe-phobia)

What he guessed: “Fear of bluetooth”

What it really means - Fear of bathing and cleaning

Geliophobia (I pronounced it gel-o-ee-phobia)

What he guessed: “Fear of jelly”

What it really means - Fear of laugher

*This is not to be confused with Gelotophobia which is the fear of being laughed AT

Omphalophobia (I pronounced it om-fa-lo-phobia)

What he guessed: “Fear of Oompa Loompa’s or fat people”

What it really means - Fear of belly buttons

Kathisophobia (I pronounced it Kath-is-oh-phobia)

What he guessed: “Fear of Catholics”

What it really means - Fear of sitting down

Until next time xo